Sigh...finished reading Eclipse,finished eating my earlier re-union dinner,feeling bored and something else.

Came online to check my emails, as usual, nothing surprised me though. Went to browse through her blog, realized she had half of her stress loads unwound yesterday. Happy for her, though I'm feeling disappointed with myself. Reason? Let me think.

The only reason. I guess it's me not being there for her, to be her stress reliever, instead it happened to be her friend. It made me even more disappointed in myself, to realized that we used to chill out together, talked about things, rant and unwind...

....thought to myself maybe her friend asked her out, yet there's this feeling or gut feeling, that she was the one who asked him out...nevertheless, it's perfectly fine, regardless who asked who. As long you are happy.

Recently, i just hope, almost always hoping that, that you ask me out, not for movie, etc...but for, say even a chat somewhere quiet, a simple chill-out, just you and me, to let me know, or say, find out for myself, that I'm also able to calm you down, smooth out your rough rides in life, or add some encouragement in it....As lately, I'm like being a jealous freak out to irritate you, being totally envy of others, angry with not you, BUT myself, for being one!For being unable to really understand whats going on in your life, what you're thinking, worrying about, feeling tense with.

How i wished, i had "Edward"'s ability to read minds, to know what's going on....sad to say, it's impossible for that.

Maybe I should throw myself a question to ponder with....am I being insensitive, over protective or too narrow minded?? Ans: Maybe a bit of every lies in me...or worst...."tired"

Okay, it's a sudden urge to find my blog again, knowing it's still around, minus the backgrounds and pictures...and my first birthday present from you. Don't think anyone would come back here and read my blog though...i dropped a hint somewhere...

My sole purpose in ranting out here, i want to release all my pressures, uncertainties, needs, hopes, and my thoughts lately....ultimately, not to blame anyone,especially you, that i really miss those days when i rode a bike, had you hugging me often, or falling asleep at times....giving you the wind that would made you better at times when you felt down....now, I'm just sitting there, no more different than a driver, no wind, no hugs, at times...no destination...

....damned, I'm really frustrated with myself!!Where's my energy, my hype, my funniness?!
Did i lose them in time? or did it got covered out somewhere by dust...

Three days since my non-shift....and i hate it!..because, it's like a roller coaster, work+stress+home+eat+sleep * repeat, thought maybe go out for a short coffee break, no one is free, and no one would even message me on my mobile, to ask me out for a drink...to know i still exists....and i dread it, to know there's still one week plus more of it....

Finally, i think after blabbing out my A-Zs rubbish or facts or fictions....i got a weird conclusion of myself, that is:

ME = life - work - stress - no money - unnecessary worries = boring + sad = no life

.....think the above also rubbish!

Full-stop !!!