Ever felt like whatever things you do or try to do, turn out as more of a hindrance rather than a great help??..........

<<<Feelings are running wild inside of me, not knowing whether this is going to work out fine, feelings of being labelled "Useless", by myself.....not cause i want to or like to......wanting more of encouragement rather than the words that hurt me within, though not intentionally, ill remarks fly every time i try to be of help, to try and learn something new, knowing this yet those words still come shooting at me, as if im a target board, free for aim......sometimes, i just really wish people around me do take time to listen to my thoughts, why i react in such a way, not because i think too much, cause ultimately, it's cause i care about things or feelings, be it others or self.....finding it pointless, you always tell me....don't worry, go ahead and do it, i will teach you and you will learn in time to come......but the next moment, you start saying "why you put this there?!" "Why you take the wrong thing when i ask you take that one".....but it's what you tell me to do in the first place....that and not what you reprimand after?!.....is that the way to guide me???......even if im not useless, as my heart is pushing me to believe now, but you are slowly forcing me into that corner, that dark little corner.......making me feel so little and of no help to you!>>>

............went out of the house after being ticked off by you.....for something i tried to help.....without even a thanks from you.....went to fetch Ah Xian.....on the way, whack my bike there, feeling the rush in my blood.......reached too early though....sat at a corner, started smoking again....mind going through what had been said for the past few days......felt damn disheartening..........

............SMS him, told him my feelings, yet, the reply sounds so easy on his part.....am i not human to you?...can't you try to understand me better and show me your feelings too??...trust me, i do not wish to live in a world without feelings......the least of all feelings, my own parents!Please, it won't kill you to show me that little openness........sigh......Went to look for Ah Xian, told her about it, tried consoling me, thanks, it help abit....went out to Orchard, relax at Starbucks...NoT "StarFucks"....lol.....had "Ice vanillia latte" while she had "Java Chip Frap"....which supposingly was the other way round...: ))....feeling the coldness then, decided to go to Mac at CenterPoint......walked down, found that it's close.....so finally we left for Pioneer Mall Mac.......Zoom, whacking my bike again....found a table to settle down......ordered a large "Iced lemon tea".....started surfing the net on my labtop, which i brought along......Ah Xian started feeling sleepy and tired....and having little rest till work later, decided to send her home....afterwhich, i too decided to end the day going home to blog........and here i am....blogging.....

..................By the way, thanks for the cheering session....and the craps involved, really laughed my heart out....but when im alone, ultimately, the thoughts of what is happening now.....can't help it but feel that way....inside im still quite disappointed with self and how he reacts to things, or the way he communicates with me........

..................didn't say a word when i reached home....same for him, though he's awake....him lying there, me here blogging.......damn i hate this kind of communication......sigh, hope for a better day when i wake.....i will still keep trying to be a help rather than a hindrance.....do or die....i won't stop trying....how long can i take it??all the way???till the day i die????Hack, i won't know but just keep it rolling..........all the way!